What Does Your Partner Really Want For You?
- Your partner wants you to love yourself
- Your partner wants you to be independently happy/ fulfilled with what you do for you
- Your partner wants you to stop doing shit for them because you think you should and would rather you not do it at all than to do it and feel resentful.
Did you think I was going say something like: more sex, more caring, more dishes done, more laundry done, more planning, more dates, more “doing”?
That’s the thing we’ve gotten wrong for so long. Our partners want, more than anything, for us to feel good. Of course things need to get done: the groceries bought, the dry-cleaning dropped off and picked up… it’s not about how much you “do”, it’s how you feel when doing it!
If I’m picking up the dry cleaning because it makes me feel so good to take care of this for my partner, it benefits them and it benefits me! If I do it because if feel I “should” and hate the whole process of it and then come home and am pissy because my partner “made” me pickup the dry cleaning… then it benefits no one. My partner may have his clean shirts for the coming week, but it sets us up for a slippery slope of resentment and agitation. No one wants this.
Do you see where I’m going with this? It’s not the action that causes resentment, and no one is MAKING you do anything… it’s your own internal reason for “doing” and your own internal dialogue that makes you resentful.
Why Do We Feel Resentment?
How can I change my inner dialogue you might be wondering?? How can I just stop feeling something? How can I just stop feeling resentful!
The first step is to get in touch with what you feel in any given moment.
It’s a very simple thing yet it’s not easy.
Often we are quick to assume that the thing that causes our resentment is the thing on the surface (he/she/they “made” me). When you develop the skill to see what’s underneath that resentment, often you will find that you are angry at yourself for not honouring your truth in that moment. Perhaps you would have rather said “no” because you’re overwhelmed after a long day of work. Or because you haven’t felt a connection with your partner for a few days and it doesn’t feel good to do stuff for them when the connection isn‘t there. But you do the task anyway.
Our feelings ALWAYS starts with us. And with practice it can become second nature to acknowledge what’s really happening inside.
The best part is, you will stop making your partner the villain in the story. You give healthy boundaries that your partner will appreciate so much, even in the moment it’s annoying/inconvenient/ more work etc. You will gain respect from your partner and from everyone around you. You will learn that your best companion isn’t the approval of outside forces (your partner, your boss, your friends) but you have your own approval within yourself because you’re living in your integrity. You stop doing shit you don’t want to do! You also learn to do stuff for yourself and other that feels SO GOOD to do for the sake of giving, rather than to get love or approval or credit out of it.
How Can You Tune In With Yourself?
Getting to know our feelings is the KEY to unlocking having our needs met. This is also the key to self-love and self-fulfillment. How can we demand and expect others to show us love, to do stuff that we want, to act in ways that we like when we are not even in touch with what we want.
When we override what we feel and blame others we cannot know what we need. We just make it someone else’s fault yet we don’t even know what we need ourselves!
The good news: THIS IS ENTIRELY IN YOUR CONTROL and we don’t need our partner to do anything to fix this or change. In fact, part of this is to learn that we are not
The tough part of tuning into our feelings is that we’ve been conditioned to behave a certain way, negating our own inner wisdom and freedom, for the sake of the world around us. It’s time to reconnect with ourselves! We have all the wisdom we need, right here within us. We’ve just been taught that it’s not valid. We’ve also never been trained how to tap into our wisdom. This is what I’m here to help you do.
With much love,